Today’s laughs
SPRAGGETT ON CHESS
The woman perked up and said, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’
‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.
”What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, ‘What a coincidence’.
Johnny was watching his Mom breast feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”
Thx Cathie!
Ladies, put down your tazers, turns out blokes aren’t that complicated after all. Just listen to the gospel according to Hudson.
“I love boys,” she says. “I believe they’re all really simple. Every guy likes to say that they are complicated, but they’re so easy to figure out.”
We think she doth protest too much. Rather simplisitc and black and white of you, darling. But hey, she might be on to something.
She adds: “If you had a bubble above their head, they’d be thinking about game scores, masturbation, and food.”
Brazilian man shows up at own funeral
Ms. Sampaio told O Globo that some family members were not sure the body was Mr. Goncalves.
“My two uncles and I had doubts about the identification,” she told O Globo. “But an aunt and four of his friends identified the body, so what were we to do? We went ahead with the funeral.”
SPRAGGETT ON CHESS
WHAT A COINCIDENCE!
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’
‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.
”What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, ‘What a coincidence’.
Thx KC!
KIDS SAY THE FUNNIEST THINGS
Johnny was watching his Mom breast feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”
Melanie asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Said Melanie, “If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”
Steven hugged and kissed his Mom good-night. “I love you so much, that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”
Brittany had an ear ache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”
Danni stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”
Susan was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”
Tammy was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”
Mark was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”
Clinton was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?”
Harold was bemoaning the difficulties in learning to spell. “You know”, he said, “spelling is hard. You get one single letter wrong and the whole word is wrong. They don’t give you credit for any of the other letters.” He’s got a point.
A three-year-old turned to his very pregnant Mom with a concerned look on his faceand asked, “Mommy, is it dark inside your tummy?” When she answered yes, he asked, “Well then, is there a light switch in there?”
When a Mom said to her four-year-old, “You have your shoes on the wrong feet,” he replied, “But I don’t have any other feet.”
Young Dustin and his Aunt Mary went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. While there, a voice came across the store’s loud speaker – it was a store clerk asking for a price check. Dustin looked up at the ceiling and said, “What did you say Jesus?”
A 3 1/2 year-old refused to open her mouth for the doctor to check her throat. Later in the day when her Mom asked why, she said, “I didn’t want him to see my private words.”
Thx Cathie!
KATE HUDSON: ON THE BOYS SHE DATES
November 4, 2009
AP
Celebrity spawn and Bride Wars star Kate Hudson says she has men, or “boys” as she calls them, all figured out – all they’re interested in is “game scores, masturbation and food”.
The stunning starlet, who’s been dating Yankees slugger and Madonna cast-off Alex Rodriguez for the past six months, offers her take on the male of the species in Britain’s Elle magazine.
Ladies, put down your tazers, turns out blokes aren’t that complicated after all. Just listen to the gospel according to Hudson.
“I love boys,” she says. “I believe they’re all really simple. Every guy likes to say that they are complicated, but they’re so easy to figure out.”
Hudson, whose past manly conquests include Owen Wilson, Dax Shepard, Lance Armstrong and Chris Robinson, adds, “What did that Dr. Laura say? Something like, ‘All men want is sex and for you to make them a sandwich.’ I thought that was really funny – and not entirely untrue.”
We think she doth protest too much. Rather simplisitc and black and white of you, darling. But hey, she might be on to something.
She adds: “If you had a bubble above their head, they’d be thinking about game scores, masturbation, and food.”
And her point is???
MAN SHOWS UP AT HIS OWN FUNERAL!
Brazilian man shows up at own funeral
Bricklayer reportedly killed in car crash shocks mourning family with appearance at funeral
A Brazilian bricklayer reportedly killed in a car crash shocked his mourning family by showing up alive at his funeral.
Relatives of Ademir Jorge Goncalves, 59, had identified him as the victim of a Sunday night car crash in Parana state in southern Brazil, police said.
As is customary in Brazil, the funeral was held the following day, which happened to be the holiday of Finados, when Brazilians visit cemeteries to honour the dead.
What family members didn’t know was that Mr. Goncalves had spent the night at a truck stop talking with friends over drinks of a sugarcane liquor known as cachaca, his niece Rosa Sampaio told the O Globo newspaper. He did not get word about his own funeral until it was already happening Monday morning.
A police spokesman in the town of Santo Antonio da Platina said Mr. Goncalves rushed to the funeral to let family members know he was not dead.
“The corpse was badly disfigured, but dressed in similar clothing,” said the police spokesman, who talked on condition of anonymity as he wasn’t authorized to discuss the case. “People are afraid to look for very long when they identify bodies, and I think that is what happened in this case.”
Ms. Sampaio told O Globo that some family members were not sure the body was Mr. Goncalves.
“My two uncles and I had doubts about the identification,” she told O Globo. “But an aunt and four of his friends identified the body, so what were we to do? We went ahead with the funeral.”
The police spokesman confirmed there were doubts: “His mom looked at the body in the casket and thought something was strange. She looked and looked and couldn’t believe it was her son,” Ms. Sampaio said. “Before long, the walking dead appeared at the funeral. It was a relief.”
The body was correctly identified later Monday, the police spokesman said, and has already been buried in another state. He declined to release the actual victim’s name.
SPRAGGETT ON CHESS