SPRAGGETT ON CHESS
“If you have no voice to sing and no talent to dance, just show your breasts instead”
The last request…
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, ‘Give me one last request.’
‘Of course, John,’ his wife said softly.
‘Six months after I die,’ he said, ‘I want you to marry Bob.’
‘But I thought you hated Bob,’ she said.
With his last breath John said, ‘I do!’
THE REAL LAWS
1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you will have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.
FROM THE MOUTH OF GREAT FEMALE AUTHORS
”Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.”
? ”Dogs are better than human beings because they know but do not tell. ”
”The tragedy of machismo is that a man is never quite man enough”
”I read the book of Job last night, I don’t think God comes out well in it.” Virginia Woolf
”You have to be very fond of men. Very, very fond. You have to be very fond of them to love them. Otherwise they’re simply unbearable.”
I am irresistible!“We English are good at forgiving our enemies; it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends.”
“Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.”
Danielle SteelIn France one must adapt oneself to the fragrance of a urinal.
”Canada was built on dead beavers.”
”All men are rapists and that’s all they are. They rape us with their eyes, their laws, and their codes. ”Marilyn French
Margaret Atwood ”I have the right to love many people at once and to change my prince often.”
Anais Nin”I find the public passion for justice quite boring and artificial”
Patricia Highsmith ”An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. ”
Let’s be reasonable about age…
In dog-years, he is only 9 years old.
Lucky in love
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I’m gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’ Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, ‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’
Not there, Frank! The itch is higher up!
Little girl, growing up does not mean that you have to stop doing silly things!
This one cracks me up!
SPRAGGETT ON CHESS