SPRAGGETT ON CHESS
I am beginning to worry about the next time I fly…
IT’S TIGER TIME!
THE FOLLOWING ARE JOKES THAT MY READERS SENT ME DURING THE PAST YEAR BUT I DID NOT HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO USE. ENJOY!
A young commodities trader in New York cashed out for 20 million dollars in the late 90’s and bought a ranch in Texas. As he was directing the placement of his newly bought furnishings, there was a knock at the door. There, at the door, was a tall heavy-set texan with a big white hat.
“Howdy, neighbour!” said the Texan. “I came over to welcome you to these parts. I’m at the next spread down the road”
“Thats great!” said the New Yorker. ” I’ve lived in New York for 20 years and never knew my neighbours, and here you are on my first day here!”
“Yep, and I thought I’d invite you for a barbeque” said the Texan.
“Thats great, I’d like that” said the New Yorker.
“I got to warn you, though” said the Texan ” there’s bound to be a fight!”
“No problem,” says New Yorker, ” I’m from New York, we got all kinds of those”
“And there’s going to be sex” says Tex with a wink.
“No problem” says New Yorker, “I’m from the big city! Great, so when should I come over?”
“Don’t matter none, son” says Tex, “It’s just going to be the two of us.”
Three woman are sitting under hair dryers, when the second turns to the first.
“What about you Marge. Don’t you have any good news?”
“Well yes I do. My husband just bought me a beautiful fox stole and a sapphire ring for our anniversary, then took me to the Opera.”
“That’s wonderful”, said the second woman.
“Splendid! Splendid!” cried the third.
“What about you?”, Marge asks the second.
“Oh my husband finally made good, and bought me the red Corvette I’ve always asked for. Then we both went on vacation at our new chalet in Switzerland.”
“That’s great!” Marge exclaimed.
“Splendid! Splendid!” cried the last woman again.
After a few moments, the first two women then looked at the third. “What’s with you?” The second woman says. ” Don’t you have any good news?”
The third woman smiled slighttly. “Well, it’s pretty good. My husband sent me away to finishing school
for a whole month.”
“Oh!!”, the other two woman crowed.
“Yes. So now I say ‘Splendid’ whenever before I would just say Bullshit!”
An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, ” I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”
He scribbles back , ” Put a new battery in your hearing aid.” Thx Vladimir!
An American hunter went out one winter to bag a Bald Eagle To stuff and display in his rec room with his other trophies.
But some time after shooting one dead, and getting it stuffed, a game warden shows up at his house and arrests him.
Facing a stiff fine, and at least a year in jail, the hunter made up a story for the judge of being trapped by a blizzard for days on end, then faced with starvation, shooting the American emblem.
The judge bought his tale of woe, and let him off with a warning. But just as he was going to dismiss him, the judge asked:
“You know, I’m a hunter myself, and I’m curious to know. What exactly does a Bald Eagle taste like?”
“Well Your Honor, I would say it tastes somewhere between a California Condor and a rare Spotted Owl.”