Laughs and insight into being born a free Canadian…

by kevinspraggettonchess · Published October 6, 2009 · Updated May 19, 2017

SPRAGGETT ON CHESS

A NAUGHTY CANADIAN IN EUROPE SERIES….

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs,Savings, Social Security, retirement funds,dogs, etc……

I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin’ call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal………
They all got excited and asked
if I could drive a truck…

(Thx Omar!)

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Thought for the Day: Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

THEN YOU MUST BE THE FAMILY DOG!

(Thx Pete!)

CONFLICT RESOLUTION(NEGOTIATION), CMA STYLE!

Don’t we all remember our favourite part of Alien? (I do!)

IMAGE….does it look like I give a damn?

No, it does not mention Lynn…

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AT THE CASINO….

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas.

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.”

“Harriet, she’s a prostitute.”

“I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?”

“Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to Room 217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?”

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.

George asked, “How much do you charge?”

“$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services..” Even George was taken aback. “$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25..”

Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”

“Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Good-bye.”

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, “I just can’t believe it!”

George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eatdinner.”

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25?”

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THE DIAGNOSIS….

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’ ‘

”Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’
(Thx Brenda!)
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