Friday’s laughs
SPRAGGETT ON CHESS
.It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
”A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.”-Zsa Zsa Gabor
The Man Hiding in the Coffee Beans
A man is hiding in the coffee beans below . The amount of time it takes for you to spot him depends on how the right half of your brain is working. Check the time before you start looking.
Thanks Ken!
IF….you can teach a pitbull to be nice every now and then…
…then how difficult can it be to teach the CFC Executive to clean up the mess they make!
……………………………………………………………………………………………..
”You never really know a man until you have divorced him.”-Zsa Zsa Gabor
”As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot. ”-John Lennon
”I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?” Zsa Zsa Gabor
”The postman wants an autograph. The cab driver wants a picture. The waitress wants a handshake. Everyone wants a piece of you.”-John Lennon
……………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Just when you really need a cop…
THE BIOLOGY LESSON (true story!)
Please!
Springtime!!
Am I in heaven yet?
Thanks Cathie!
Why you should read the manual first………………………………………………………………………..
TWO THINGS THAT I MISS MOST ABOUT MONTREAL:
The pot holes
I am impressed! Is that a fianchettoed bishop I see?
Just hold on tight and say ”Whoopiii!!”……………………………………………………………………………………………
WHY?
BECAUSE!
SPRAGGETT ON CHESS
FACTS ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY
.It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
.One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
.The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.
.Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
.A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
.There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
.Women blink twice as often as men.
.The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
.Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
.If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
.Women reading this will be finished now.
.Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
(thx Linda!)
”A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.”-Zsa Zsa GaborThe Man Hiding in the Coffee Beans
Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, your right half of your brain is better developed than most people.
If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, your right half of the brain is developed normally.
If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein.
If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!
And, yes, the man is really there!
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
IF….you can teach a pitbull to be nice every now and then…
…then how difficult can it be to teach the CFC Executive to clean up the mess they make!
……………………………………………………………………………………………..”I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.”-Mother Teresa
”You never really know a man until you have divorced him.”-Zsa Zsa Gabor
”As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot. ”-John LennonCastro and Che before the Cuban revolution:
”Get dressed, Che! Destiny is waiting for us!”
”Each one of them is Jesus in disguise. ”-Mother Teresa
”I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?” Zsa Zsa Gabor
”The postman wants an autograph. The cab driver wants a picture. The waitress wants a handshake. Everyone wants a piece of you.”-John Lennon……………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Proper Makeup
Ladies,
The best way to attract a man is with your eyes.
That’s why it’s so important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied.
If it weren’t for the excellent application of proper eye makeup this young lady probably wouldn’t get a second look from most guys.
………………………………………………………………………………………
Space tourists?; circus employees?; or simply, your grandparents at the beach!
”Pst! Garfield…stop exaggerating!”
Just when you really need a cop… The CFC slogan for its membership campaign
I did not invent appalling, gratuitous nudity
Mad Dog Vachon. A Quebec Icon
THE BIOLOGY LESSON (true story!)
The teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
‘Well’, she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!’
‘That must’ve been scary,’ said the teacher.
‘It sure was,’ said the little girl. ‘My kitty raised her back, went “Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,” but before she could finish ‘Fuck Off!,’ the Rottweiler ate her!’
The teacher had to leave the room.
Thanks RB!
”It was easier than I thought it would be… I talked about myself for 7 hours and 45 minutes non-stop … and then finally it jumped right into my boat!”
Please! 
Springtime!!
Am I in heaven yet?
An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years , you still call your husband all those loving pet names’.
The elderly lady hung her head. ‘I have to tell you the truth,’ she said, ‘his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old jackass what his name is.’
Thanks Cathie!
Why you should read the manual first simultaneous exhibition
TWO THINGS THAT I MISS MOST ABOUT MONTREAL:
The pot holesCafe Campus!
………………………………………………………………………….
I am impressed! Is that a fianchettoed bishop I see?
Just hold on tight and say ”Whoopiii!!”TODAY’S LESSON IN PHILOSOPHY
WHY?
BECAUSE!
…………………………………………………………………………………………..
THIS IS CRUEL AND INSENSITIVE
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast’. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the heck is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.’April’, he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?‘She replied with a snicker. ‘It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!!!!!
SPRAGGETT ON CHESS