SPRAGGETT ON CHESS
My name is Gary and I am a chess addict.
My days are spent calculating chess moves and reading chess theory. My nights are spent working on chess variations with my eyes closed to check the next day.
My most usual reply when asked to do something, if I even hear the request, is “hang on a second”. It’s never a second.
A meal with conversation occurs if I happen to make it to the table before my wife has finished eating.
When I finish a game the result is obvious from my mood.
The backs of many of my chess books are worn out. The pages yellowed and bent. Underlining and writing on the pages. And, that’s only the newer ones.
I can’t remember my age but do recall the first 20 moves of my favourite lines.
I have both newspapers delivered Saturday so I can read both chess columns.
(Gary Ruben –22/08/2010; http://www.chesstalk.com/)
You know you are a chess addict if…
You bump into someone or something and say J’adoube.
You calculate 8×8 faster than 7×7.
You have more chess clocks than watches.
You buy the biggest, fastest, most expensive computer just to play chess on it or use it as a database.
You have more PGN than DOC files on your computer.
You take a chess set and book to the bathroom… and forget to go to the bathroom.
You meet someone, your first question is, “What’s your rating?”
You buy a newspaper only if it has a chess column in it.
You think that Lennox Lewis plays in knockout chess tournaments.
You believe that Dmitri Mendeleev periodically played chess.
You have more chess books than any other book or magazine combined.
You believe that the Olympics are every two years.
You spot the chessboard set up wrong in every movie with a chess scene.
Your favorite snack is Pepperidge Farm’s Chessmen cookies.
You have the “Chessplayers make better mates” bumper sticker on your car or briefcase.
You know what BCO, ECO, MCO, NCO, PCO all mean and have all these books.
You ask girl if she plays chess before you ask her out for a date.
You drop everything and quickly spin around if you hear someone say, “Hi, Bobby” at a chess tournament.
You take a test, and 5 minutes before you run out of time, you mentally tell yourself that your flag is about to fall
You go to any Barnes and Noble in the world and know exactly where all the chess books are located.
When the cashier says, “Check?” you wink and say “mate”.
You know that mate, mating positions, exposed bishops, and forking the queen have nothing to do with sex.
You have a chess logo on your letterhead or shirt.
You try to play cards blindfolded.
You have a chess coffee mug.
You know that a Bishop scandal is someone who puts his Bishop on the wrong colored diagonal.
Fantasize of also beating Mr Spock in 3-D chess.
Still think Kasparov is world champion and has always been world champion since beating Karpov in 1985.
Going to a chess tournament and can’t wait in saying “Look at those chess nuts boasting by an open foyer.”
Preparing for a GOOD CHESS match requires cleaning the mouse and checking it’s working order.
Reasons for losing a chess game: disconnect, pizza man, power outage.
You look for three other friends to play bug-house.
You have used any of these aliases while on the Internet: Bottvinik, Caissa, Gata, Bobby Fischer, IvanCheck, Polgar, Jadoube, Kapablanca, KnightStalker, KibitzandBlitz, KnightRider, Pawnographer, Philidork, Queenforker, Rookie Player, Ruy Lopez, TarraschCan, Zukertort, KillerMate.
You have played the ghost of Geza Maroczy.
You own a Harry Potter or Civil War chess set.
You are sure that Chuck Norris gets his kicks from chess.
You played in chess tournaments all year long and have almost made $1,000 (but you spent $2,000 earning that).
You have read all of this
SPRAGGETT ON CHESS